In 1729, Jonathan Swift wrote “A Modest Proposal,” an anonymous essay that lampooned the dehumanizing way in which upper crust Brits viewed the “problem” of the Irish poor. An Irishman himself, Swift proposed that the Irish serve up their children on the dinner tables of Lords and Ladies, with the dual purpose of reducing the number of impoverished mouths to feed and improving the diet of those more worthy of modern, civilized life.
As today’s social elites begin to eye traditional Christians as a problem, another “Modest Proposal” is in order. Below, a fictional pastor offers up the children of the Christian faithful for compulsory reeducation. I have done my best to report his views as sympathetically as any mainstream reporter might be expected to do.
Father Christopher Black, or Pastor Chrissie, as he likes to be called, is making a name for himself with a series of progressive lectures entitled “The Orthodox Christian Question,” or The OXQ. I attended one of these lectures, and it was riveting.
“If you’ve read the headlines, then you should know as well as I do what’s on America’s heart today," he said, clicking through a series of PowerPoint slides of excerpts from recent coverage of Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender challenges in major news outlets. He explained:
When an OXQ audience member objected that the above sources are known mainly for publishing opinion pieces, Pastor Chrissie didn’t miss a beat.
“Okay, sure, but what about the publications that offer plain news,” he asked, “they’re supposed to use language that everyone can accept at face value, right? Well, take a look at what we, as readers, accept at face value now,” he said.
He showed us a piece by the National Review’s Katherine Connell, who points out that many news outlets have made a sudden change: Even in the most straight-faced reports, it is now standard to insert quotation marks—or “scare-quotes”—on either side of the term “religious freedom,” indicating precisely that readers should not take the liberty of Christians at face value.
“Which is good,” Pastor Chrissie explained. “We’re not just moving toward a consensus. We’re already there,” he said.
He went on to explain that as far as the marriage equality movement is concerned, marriage is a legal contract. Since most of the administrators of the contract are traditional Christian ministers, the only marriage that is legally recognized in the majority of American courts is the backward Christian concept of marriage as “between a man and a woman.”
"If the LGBT movement really wants marriage equality, then activists need to be more straightforward about what the movement is," said Pastor Chrissie.
And what is the LGBT movement, according to Pastor Chrissie? “The LGBT movement is a political movement that works to gain legal and legislative power, so we can use that power against the current legal institution of marriage,” he said.
Pastor Chrissie believes that some people are forgetting that.
“I mean there’s a lot of queer couples coming into the movement and they’re all excited and in love, and that’s great!” he said.
But this isn’t a time for celebration. “It’s a time for war,” he said.
“We aren’t aiming for nice, vague ideas. We're aiming for dominance," he explained. For instance, LGBT rights groups need to stop pretending they believe in idea of freedom per se. "I mean obviously we don’t want to let ministers have the ‘freedom’ to block gay marriages,” he said.
Gay rights advocates should stop “pretending” to care about equality. "I mean, come on. ‘Equal’ rights for bigoted Christian pastors, the ‘right' to an opinion that leads to refusing to marry gay couples?" he asked.
"Americans don’t want that!” he exclaimed, pointing out that many Americans even rejected the “equal” right of a pizza parlor owner to answer in the negative the hypothetical question, “Would you cater a same-sex wedding?”
According to Pastor Chrissie, the LGBT community needs to start asking much more direct questions:
Should Christians who reject gay marriage be allowed to raise their children to hate? "We already have a pretty good system in place to protect children, monitoring them for bullying or looking for signs of domestic abuse at home," said Pastor Chrissie.
But what about kids who are healthy, happy, and hateful? Why not use the power of the public education system and social services as weapons of love against hate? "If we’re really serious about shutting down hatred, why aren’t we protecting society from it by taking children out of the hands of anti-gay parents?” asked Pastor Chrissie.
Should people be allowed to preach hate in Christian churches? "Every act of anti-gay hate comes from somewhere," Pastor Chrissie explained. It starts in the words people hear and what they are thinking every Sunday.
Pastor Chrissie defines anti-gay hate like this: “The belief, whether or not accompanied by action, that gay rights such as the right to marriage are not human rights, but a made-up thing that you can choose not to recognize.”
He went on, "For years we’ve been able to find and shut down the Klu Klux Klan, even when they try to keep their meetings secret," he said. "If we really care about protecting gays, why aren’t we shutting down anti-gay hate groups who meet right out in the open at church?”
“LGBT rights advocates need to ask themselves these uncomfortable questions,” he said. “It will take courage to give honest answers,” he said.
Pastor Chrissie closed on a positive note: Americans are more comfortable than ever when it comes to taking collective action to right the wrongs in our society.
“I mean it must be like every day I read another story about justice being done against hateful people, whether they’re racist or homophobic or Islamophobic or whatever,” he said.
It has taken decades of activism, but Pastor Chrissie believes even Christian Americans are finally ready to do the right thing as a nation, even if it gets ugly.
Again, he provided a few examples:
“You know you’re making progress when you don’t even need pro-gay laws to shut down hateful people, to expel them from colleges, close down their businesses, and fire them from teaching positions, even at private Catholic schools,” Pastor Chrissie said.
Before the final applause, the Pastor offered a parting thought: “We already have the culture. Once we get the power of the law on our side, the Orthodox Christian Question will be much closer to a Final Solution. Thank you.”
To learn more about Pastor Chrissie's ministry, visit him at ChurchofJudas.gov.
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Stephen Herreid is an Associate Editor of the Intercollegiate Review and a contributor to TheBlaze.com. His work is archived at CandidWorldReport.com. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @StephenHerreid.